Clegg’s Enormous Column
Clegg’s Enormous Column
“Live every day as though it were your last – Grz”
Whenever I begin to find my life in a jumble – which, as it happens, is about every two weeks or so – I turn to my munificent comrade Grz for a slice of the sound stuff to carry me through the inevitable chaos. Last week, I turned my weary face to his and bewailed that I had found that life had lost its flavour. “Clegg,” he muttered back, his breath lethal in its contamination by Electric White, “you must live every day as though it were your last.” I contemplated this ridiculous notion for a good few moments, before deciding to adopt it as a lifelong philosophy.
I woke late on my last day on Earth and scuttered down to the kitchen, whereupon I discovered my father to have just finished eating a cold slice of pizza I’d saved from the previous night. “Dad!” I roared, “that was my Last Breakfast, you prat!” He looked as though he had not understood me – indeed, distinctly like a buffoon. I took this as a gross disrespect, as I had already furnished him with a much coveted invite to “Joe’s Last Night on Earth Bonanzo,” to be held that very night – OR NEVER TO BE HELD!
I arrived late to the bombastic extravaganza, and japed as I flung myself through the door: “You think I’m the late Joe Clegg now, well just you wait!” One man looked up and snarled, so I stole his drink. A good friend, and soon to be wretched mourner, then arrived at my side with a sheepish grin and a dazzling lady to his arm. He tugged at my sleeve, and whined.
“Joe, I don’t think I’ve yet introduced you to…”
“A bit late for that!” I interrupted, with grotesque laughter, and tossed my curdling drink square into her face. When my friend remonstrated with me, I remarked, with bitter sarcasm, that it was one less burden he’d have to endure from tomorrow on. I continued to behave in this fashion, until the night drew to an unsatisfactory close.
As I tossed and turned abed that night, into which I’d arrived at least thirty minutes early, I was little comforted by the thought that I’d have to do it all over again the next day. At least, I considered, it was unlikely that so many people would show up at the party.- Joe Clegg